This is your new blog post. Approximately 300,000 people in Australia have epilepsy and I am one of them. 2 years next month since my first tonic-clonic (grand-mal) seizure in the middle of Pacific Fair (I should have asked for a copy of the CCTV - it would amuse me to see my husband call out "is anyone here a doctor!" like he was in some tele-movie).

I’m now 29, I’ve kept working, and yes, I am quite often exhausted.

Last time I checked there were 58 classifications for types of epilepsy.  30% of those diagnosed don’t have their seizures controlled by medication, and those who suffer have the joy of subjecting themselves to varying types of drugs and dosages until they get the optimal mix of side effects and seizure control.

Seizures can be big events (e.g. see Pacific Fair episode above) and smaller.  For example, I can sit in a meeting and feel myself go inwards, but somehow still make my body respond, even though I am ‘not there’.  After an ‘episode’ I tend to get tired and need a good sleep.  There is typically a few days or a week prior where things have started not to feel quite right, and it can be days until I feel ‘normal’ again.  It’s different for everyone.

Some of the luggage that comes with poor seizure control includes:

-          Inability to drive (recently got my license back!)

-          Memory loss (not so much anymore – yay)

-          Seizures (duh), both partial and tonic-clonic (mine are controlled!)

-          Inability to work (I’m ok)

-          Unable to drink (caffeine and alcohol can be triggers)

-          Headaches and migraines (typically post seizure for me)

-          Unable to ride a bike, swim or play sports (wasn’t particularly good in the first place)

-          Unable to have a bath alone (that was a fun 3 months for Pete)

-          Regular feelings of déjà vu (not so much anymore, but pretty cool actually)

-          Increased pressure on the rest of your family due to the need to sleep and rest more, loss of income etc... (this bit is the worst. Missing out on family time has been really shitty.  They won’t remember a time before I had epilepsy, but still, it would be nice if Mum didn’t need to nap all afternoon on a weekend).

More baggage can potentially come with the medication you can be prescribed.  This list is not extensive, and not all apply to everyone or all types of medication:

-          Tiredness (that’s me!)

-          Increase / decrease in appetite (increase with current meds)

-          Loss of libido (see tiredness)

-          Decrease in the effectiveness of the Pill (have been recommended not to have anymore anyway)

-          Increase in the risk of birth defects (thank God we’ve had 2)

-          Depression (does over it count?)

-          Weight gain / loss (gain for me with my current meds)

-          Aggressive behaviour (I can acknowledge it now, doesn’t completely stop it though)

-          Suicidal thoughts (these were fun, medication swiftly changed after these!)

-          Slurred speech (same meds as above – but slurring in a business meeting was rather embarrassing)

-          Unable to drink (caffeine and alcohol can be triggers)

Some medications can make seizures worse!  So hence the ‘getting the balance right’. 

Triggers include:

-          Lack of sleep (this is as simple as only getting 6 hours sleep one night)

-          Stress (I hate this word, it’s synonymous with ‘not being to handle it’, when really, for fuck’s sake, we’re almost all always stressing our bodies and minds out in this day & age)

-          Too much caffeine or alcohol (I drink tea only, and a few pepsi-max cans a week.  I rarely longer drink, the hangover ½ hr later is rarely worth it)

-          Bumping the old head on a plank (well, this isn’t in the medical journals, but it happened to me!)

-          Skipping medication (it happens, not by choice though)

-          Hormones (not predictable)

-          Not eating well (chocolate is a dear friend of mine, especially now I don’t drink – my stress relief!)

-          Other colds / viruses that make you run down

-          Flickering lights (photosensitive epilepsy only)

-          Hyperventilating (the gym is sometimes not my friend if I get out of breath)

-          Because it’s a Wednesday

-          Because the world is against you

-          Because things were simply going too well and you need a reality check

Ok, those last few were exaggerations, but my triggers are usually a combination of the above over a short period of time, and it typically takes a few days to weeks to get back to normal.

For me, I feel in the 2 years, I’ve had it all.  Hence the exhaustion right now. 

But I’m actually a lucky one.  There are people that have it so very much worse than I.

With my loss of give a shit, I’m all over being sick. Or getting run down. Or having my epilepsy set off.  I think my immune system has been lowered and I seem to get one thing, feel better for awhile and then get kicked back a few steps.  The vicious cycle is shown below.

Looking at it, I think oh crap Tina, what are you going to do with yourself girl?  I truly am over itate it.  I’ve felt like I’ve been in this shitty cycle of health for about 3 years now (building up to the 1st seizure that is). 

Ok, and now I remember that other people have it worse, and I technically have controlled epilepsy.  But is it so wrong to want to have my life more settled and even.  Is it the industry I am working in?  Is it the whole lifestyle? 

I’m ready to slow down 

I thank my sister for this one.

Talking about this blog, she suggested I read an article about impersonators.  Turns out she was actually referring to Imposter Syndrome, as in this month's Women's Health magazine.

I think I read the 1st three words and realised I had been found out.  I, Tina, am a fraud.

The impostor syndrome is feeling that one hasn't earned his or her achievements - that the achievements are the result of luck. It is very common among high achieving persons, particularly women, who worry that some day they will be "found out" - that others will discover that they really do not know what they are doing. A professor who experiences the impostor syndrome may feel that he or she is faking it and worry that others know that they are really a phony and that their achievements are simply a matter of luck, not ability.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              - About.com

I may look interested, together, polished on the outside, but those legs are paddling underneath the surface.  Or I am avoiding putting myself out there as I am afraid I'll be found out.  I'm never perfect, I fear I have reached Dilbert's theory of management - I have been promoted to my level of incompetance.  The epilepsy made it worse, admittedly - my confidence has been sent out to pasture. 

This article in Psychology Today notes that the way to a solution is to distance one's self image from his or her's objective position. Yeah, right. Sure. Easy.

Although the idea of 'fake it 'til you make it' does actually sound doable. Just a little tiring!

Thank heavens the World Cup is about to start - not being 100% is part of the deal of staying up to watch the world game.

Good question.  

A few thoughts I’ve had:
- Sheer idiocy on my part to always keep going from one thing to another, never letting life slow down and ‘just happen’
- Falling pregnant just before I had completed uni (all a blessing though!)
- Immediately cancelling out career options like teaching as my dear mother was one
- Racing ahead due to ambition and the idea that it’s something I should be doing, accepting offers because I thought that’s what I should want to do
- Being too stubborn to recognise the impact work was having on my health
- Maybe it didn’t go wrong and I am being stupid, this is all a phase and it will end soon.


So I have used those nifty management consultant 101 skills to whip up a timeline for the past decade in PowerPoint style.  Ahh, the irony.  Maybe this will help?


Tina’s past decade: 2000 to Over It (see below & enlarge!)


Holy MuuddaEffn’ Gawd. And this is mere snapshot of the decade – other things occurred along the way, usual stress and stuff, along with other big ‘life’ moments – births, deaths, marriages and the things my friends and family went through.  Just looking at the list though makes me sit back and say whoa.  


Objectively, one could argue that I am over it because I have well and truly toppled over the tipping point.


I’m exhausted.


Anyone else?  

I am almost-30 and over it.  Thanks Kasey Edwards of 30-Something and Over It fame for the phrase of ‘thrisis’ – when you realise that the next 30 years of your life simply can no longer be how life is right now.  

I did, like Kasey, wake up one day with my give-a-shit about work completely and utterly gone.  And like Kasey, I am a management consultant.  I have completely lost complete passion and interest in what I had thought in my twenties was my dream career, I can see that this has been coming for awhile, it has just taken a snap moment to realise what it was – to the point where I am simply over it.

Yes, that does give me the ‘guilts’ about being another selfish Gen Y.  Not only that, the guilts about dragging my young family all over Australia for work when it turns out, it’s not really me.

And Kasey is right, I need to go on this journey to really define, what ‘me’ and the proverbial ‘baby’ will be that gives me my give-a-shit back.  So this blog? It’s me, mumbling my way through it.  

Is it really generational? I am aware of my female Gen Y friends reaching this stage.  Demographer Bernard Salt of KPMG and The Australian believes it is a result of our stronger sense of entitlement and security in our role in the workforce, thanks to the groundwork laid by our older sisters and the oodles of government incentives announced in the last few years to entice us back to work.  Or is it because we get caught up in the rush from university and idealism into a workforce, work hard and get promoted or fall into roles we think we should want, then get to a point and say “now, wait a sec, what the f*&k just happened? I’m not sure I ever really wanted to be a teacher/doctor/consultant/office worker, there’s Candice doing floristry and she’s really happy, why can’t I feel like that too?”

Well for me, there really is a friend who is a florist.  She wasn’t ever sure what she wanted to do, but liked arts, so studied fine arts at uni.  Always creative, she didn’t rush into what she ‘should’ do.  Deciding one day she’s like to try out floristry, she did the course, liked it and now is surrounded by flowers and uses her creative side every day.

Of our group of four, the remaining 2 are more like me.  One always thought she wanted to teach, but the reality has been not the result she expected, and is now in a state of ambivalence as to what she wants to do with her life.  Another lost her give a shit when, after numerous promotions, found herself in a job she didn’t enjoy, and on the career path to match.  She has since moved to a sideways role, and is planning to drop everything for 12 months to travel around Australia.

Another theme coming up is around stress and health.  Over the past 3 years I have frequently looked in the mirror and thought “I cannot keep going like this, I’m about to fall apart”.  Typically I have in some way or form.  In fact, 2 years ago I had my first tonic-clonic seizure and was diagnosed with epilepsy. I have kept going despite this, but the stress has kept my health and the stress on me and my family on a extremely fine line of balance.  That in itself is enough for me to be over it.

A dear, brilliant friend of mine completed her economics degree with flying colours and was offered a highly regarded role at a top tier management consulting firm.  She too, discovered that she had an underlying medical condition – sleep narcolepsy – that will prevent her from continuing on the same trajectory.  A tragedy, as she was brilliant in her role.  

Would have my friend and I discovered that we had these medical conditions if we had not pushed ourselves to achieve so much, so soon?  Possibly there are thoughts that the stress caused these conditions to emerge.  Alternatively, could it be we’re not as tough as the remaining members of the sisterhood?  I know, in reality, there is certainly an element of bad luck and genetics, but hey, maybe it’s a serious wake up call to re-examine what you want from life.

The old phrase that you’ll never wish you spent more time at work on your death bed may certainly be true, but detangling yourself from the web of the world you find yourself in, and re-examining what you want is not easy.

If you’ve ever had a moment where you’ve felt ‘over-it’, please comment – even if you aren’t ’30-Something’